【Mike Horner Archives】

Jon Snow finally humped his aunt Daenerys.

And it was terrible.

It was like two naked babies,Mike Horner Archives planking. It was virginal, restrained, un-sexy sex in a show known for nothing if not splashy sex (sometimes literally).

Questions:

• Why were both pairs of legs closed?

• Why doesn't Jon Snow have body hair?

• Is Daenerys a sentient Willa™ doll?

• Had the two met before? Like ever?

• Were they quiet because they knew Tyrion was listening?

• Finally: Does Jon contour his ass?

(Sidenote: is he fucking her belly button here? WHAT IS GOING ON) pic.twitter.com/FlNqBMPSaH

— Mere Smith (@EvilGalProds) August 28, 2017

I feel bad for everyone who's waited for these two to bone. I'm not a regular Game of Thrones viewer, but I wanted to come to work Monday with a mind full of pop culture incest—for the watercooler chats, of course. What we got was less arousing than a set of 2x4s slapping together.

Not to descend into parody, but if you're gonna go incest, at least go hot. This was tepid. Cool. Not even warm enough to take a bath in. I felt more arousal when Mr. Melting Face threatened Captain Cockroach Helmet. I'd rather have seen those two get weird.

For research, I watched Jon Snow give something called a "Wildling" an orgasm [Ed. He’s talking about Ygritte. I think.]—while she was standing—and viewed Daenerys riding a horse man [Ed. Not a man who's a horse, but the Dothraki, because oh god, forget it]. The point is: I know these two have it in 'em to sex the other good.

Yet: This is not the Game of Thrones sex I was promised. It is not the sex any of us should yearn for. Even apart from the whole blood-relatives-thing, to be clear. Maybe Jon just can't measure up, given the amount of time Dany spends with an actual dragonbetween her legs. And I know Game of Bones can have good sex scenes. Even good incest sex scenes. Even sex scenes during which important expositional dialogue is interspersed with lines like "PLAY WITH HER ASS" [def NSFW but totally otherwise clickable].

Whatever the case, let's hope they light the fire next season—they'll need it against those White Walkers. Because, while they might be dead, they're still probably having better sex than these two.